Putting the "Mean" in Meaningful: A Mean Mom's guide to bliss

Parenting has its rewards. That first coo, first smile, when they first say "mama", that crude crayon drawing of a stick figure Mom and a stick figure kid without torsos holding hands, their first goal, watching them become well-mannered young adults, being a good friend, the list goes on and on.

Being called "mean" is also pretty high up on my list of rewards. Seriously - it is! When I say "no" to my three boys, often times it's because there's a hard lesson to be learned, usually one about delayed gratification, earning rather than expecting something, needs versus wants, responsibility, etc... If I had a nickel for every time I said "no" in response to "can you buy me...", I'd be rich enough to buy them whatever they wanted - except I wouldn't. Hence the "Mean-Mom" moniker.

I'm cool with being mean. Some Moms crack under the guilt of feeling like their kids are angry or disappointed with them - I am not that Mom. I feel good looking at the long-term forecast - where dealing with "no" is not only a part of life, but a healthy part of building resilience and independence as an adult.

Recently, a bunch of Mom friends got together over wine(s) and we discussed the many things we do for our kids that they don't seem to appreciate. Let me tell you, a Moms to-do list is never-ending. From dawn until dusk and well into the night, Moms are on the go, many of them working their hardest to keep junior happy by doing everything they can for him/her. So many Moms complain of exhaustion - "I am sooooo tired. I have nothing left to give". Worst of all, satisfying all the requests and demands and expectations our kids place on us is almost impossible and ultimately detrimental to their self-reliance, self-confidence and independence. As one of my fave parenting experts, Alyson Schafer says, "never do for children what they can do for themselves".

As of September, I made a decision to stop doing for my boys what they were perfectly capable of doing for themselves. Just what are an 8-year old, 10-year old and 12-year old capable of? It turns out, a lot more than you think!

Have you ever tuned into NatGeo TV? Do it. Find a show with your kids that profiles a village in the middle of a developing nation and take notice of the kids. Often, 8-year old kids are trotting about caring for baby siblings, cooking meals, harvesting food; 12-year old kids are managing small agricultural businesses and walking miles in search drinkable water. And meanwhile in the West, we're frantically spreading Wowbutter on whole-grain bread with the crusts cut off for a kid who's clothes we picked out, packing their schoolbags and micromanaging their every waking second - all while they sit on their lazy duffs thumbs-a-blazing on their devices. What the funk are we doing? No wonder our kids can't manage their time, or possessions, or food intake or make plans or set goals - we do it all for them! Then we get together over wine and complain about how irresponsible and useless they are at managing their little lives.

So as of the first day of school back in September, here is what I no longer do for my kids Mon-Fri:

- I do not make their breakfasts
- I do not make their school lunches
- I do not bring them their lunches when they forget them at home
- I do not do their homework
- I do not make them dress appropriately for outside (hence shorts in November)
- I do not tell them how to dress
- I do not clean up their messes in the house (they do)
- I do not brush their teeth
- I do not see them off to the bus in the mornings
- I do not make them special meals if they complain about dinner
- I do not get them a Timbit just because I'm getting myself a coffee at the drive-through
- I do not buy them gifts outside of birthdays and Christmas
- I do not give them money for no reason
- I do not care if they look like Lloyd from Dumb and Dumber (their hair, their problem)
- I do not run out to buy last-minute project supplies (should have planned better)
- I do not make excuses for them if a project is turned in late

Here's what I still do:

- I encourage them to be responsible and respect the rules of our house.
- I support them in dealing with the consequences of their actions.
- I love them unconditionally.
- I make dinners and lunches on weekends.
- I enjoy reading the entire newspaper each morning with my coffee and new-found free-time.
- I inform them of the top stories making news while they're making breakfast!
- I enjoy getting to the gym before they're on the bus.
- I enjoy watching them figure shit out for themselves.
- I enjoy going to the movies with my husband, knowing the eldest is capable of managing the other two while we're out.
- I enjoy watching them make their own scrambled eggs and toast, or smoothies.
- I love watching them do for themselves what I know they're capable of doing - like laundry!

It's not always easy and initially there was a lot of whining, stomping off and hollering, "you're the meanest Mom ever!" But it's now the new normal around here and it's working really well. They called it mean, I call it meaningful!

I had the flu around Christmas and while face down shivering in bed, my 8-year old tapped on my shoulder and delivered me a freshly brewed honey-ginseng tea, a fresh fruit smoothie and a plate of sliced cucumbers - with a get-well card. Nobody else was home - he managed it all on his own. That right there was the best parenting reward of all!