One of my absolute favourite Mother's Day cards can be found on the internet - it shows a woman applying to "Motherhood Inc." and she's reading through the employment contract - "One vacation day a year?! That's all I get?!" she proclaims. "We call it Mother's Day but technically you still have to work" says the interviewer. So true.
Every card a Mom gets on Mother's Day preaches the same utopic nonsense - advising Moms to "relax", "kick back", "pamper yourself"... These cards are typically all written by men. Have you ever noticed that men have no problem treating themselves to a full day with legs up, beverage in hand and mind empty of thoughts? They don't even need it to be Father's Day! It can just be any ol' Wednesday....sadly sometimes, the occasional deadbeat Dad will try and pull this stunt on Mother's Day - not cool. Men are intrinsically wired to "unwind and chill out". Women, not so much.
Scientists recently proved that even during the deepest phases of sleep, women are still multitasking - planning, organizing and analyzing, at the same time as snoring and drooling - now that's impressive! Men on the other hand, were shown to have minimal brain activity even during the lightest phases of sleep. No wonder men wake up so well rested and chipper and I look like some sort of zombie racoon with over-processed blonde Einstein hair, slurred speech and a pillow print across my face. "Whazza, whe, coffee, bupp, dentist appointment...."
Last year, a few days before Mother's Day my husband proudly announced that he had a great plan to celebrate - he was going to invite his entire family over for dinner!! "How is that a day off for me?" I asked in my classic wifely tone of exasperated irritation? "Wow - sounds great! I get to spend Mother's Day cooking, cleaning and grocery shopping - yay." Needless to say, he's very adept at sensing my sarcasm after all these years and quickly nixed that plan in favour of a dinner out. Apologies to my sister-in-law who had to pick up the slack on the family dinner end.
Even surrounded by our loving little kiddos, propped up in bed, breakfast on our laps, crafty-cards in tow, a basket of relaxation stuff and all the familiar Mom's Day trimmings, we as mothers cannot turn the "to-do" switch off in our heads. We want to, but we just don't know how. It's like we're standing on the dock, and we dip our toe into the beautiful lake of R&R and we're so close to the edge...and we want to jump in...but then a kid pukes and calls our name or the dog has burrs in his fur, or the dishwasher just broke, or we're all out of milk...towel back on, no swimming today.
Instead of scientists spending oodles of money telling us that men have few to no thoughts while they sleep, why not figure out a way to treat women to the same luxury? I want no thoughts! Just for a day! So this year, I'm going to take the first step on Mother's Day to celebrating like a Dad and I'm going to crack a cold one, go golfing, snooze the day away, eat something made of dehydrated meat bi-product and see what happens!
Who's with me?
And while I'm at it, I wouldn't mind a few lavish gifts too...that would certainly help to ease the stress. I've shopped around to scope out the best goodies in this season's hottest hues (think rose quartz!) and I can't wait to showcase them for you on CTV's Canada AM this Monday, May 2nd at 8:40am. Gather up the kids and hubby so that they get the hint!!
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